Mersey Reporter - #Merseybites #News

WE have been given the rights to republish a report from:- 'The North Pole Gazette' who are the World's only daily printed newspaper at absolute zero degrees North.

In a move that has sent global logistics experts into a tailspin, Santa Claus officially announced that he will no longer be:- "rushing" his deliveries. For the 2025 Christmas Eve circuit, the Big Man has mandated a strict 10 minute stationary window per stop to properly enjoy cookies.

While the sentiment is festive, the engineering required to pull this off without shattering every window on Earth is revolutionary.

To maintain 10.minute stops at all 800 million households within the Earth’s 31 hour window, Santa’s sleigh must travel at:- 5,335,813 miles per hour (Mach 6,950).

Sleigh Command has confirmed the installation of Experimental Sonic Dampeners...

"By projecting a localized vacuum field ahead of the lead reindeer, we slip through the atmosphere without compressing air," explained Chief Engineer

Fizzlepip added:- "It’s a 'Silent Night'—5 million mph with the volume of a whisper."

Santa will return to the North Pole 6 times to replenish stock. Because the sleigh carries enough for 114 million households per leg, it weighs approximately 114,000 tons, which is the mass of a US Navy Nimitz Class Aircraft Carrier.

THE PHYSICS OF THE "REINDEER DRIVE"

This is a trade secret recently exposed. Contrary to belief, the reindeer are all female as they have antlers.
Required Velocity: 2,385,342 meters per 2nd.
Total Kinetic Energy: ~2.9 x 10^20 Joules.
Total Thrust Required: ~130 Billion kilo-Newtons.

Dr. Barnaby. explained:- "Each reindeer is outputting 3.2 quadrillion Watts!"

Butterscotch added:- "That is like each reindeer having 4 trillion horses strapped to their harness. We’ve reinforced the reins with carbon nanotubes."

Cruising Speed: 5.3 Million MPH (1,482 miles per second)
Total Distance: 160,074,400 miles (670 trips to the Moon)
Acceleration: 0 to 5.3M mph in 1 second.
Thrust per Reindeer: 14.4 Billion kN (40,000 Space Shuttles)
Present Wrapping: 2 Billion Gifts (1.5 million miles of paper)

To prepare for the 6 return trips, the Gift. The Wrapping Department has consumed enough paper to wrap around the Earth’s equator 60 times.

"The speed is the miracle," said:- Head Wrapper Tinsel-Toes, who went on to say:- "To get 2 billion gifts ready, our machines process 64,000 gifts per second. We use friction less tape because the heat from the dispenser was starting fires."

Recently, we are told Santa was seen calmly sipping hot cocoa, seemingly unbothered by the fact that he is about to pilot a 114,000 ton aircraft carrier through the sky at 1% the speed of light!

Fortunately, Santa has Magic and/or God on his side. Plus, several powerful female reindeer. Also, Santa Claus has officially announced that he will try to fit in a few stops at webcams to wave to the kids when possible. But he will only deliver if you are in bed and asleep when he visits your home.

If you want to keep an eye out for Father Christmas this year, please check out our Live Merseyside SantWatch Webcam, by clicking on here.

PUBLIC SAFETY WARNING ... Despite the:- "Sonic Dampeners," the North Pole Department of Public Safety advises keeping pets indoors. While you won't hear the sleigh, the displacement of air may cause a breeze strong enough to uproot oak tree!